Canada?

Today was incredible. So incredible, in fact, that I feel the need to share it with you. Well, not just you. I need to share this with the entire WORLD.

So there I was, sitting on my ass fuckin' around on MySpace. I was bored as hell, and needed a change. So I called up my Venezuelan friend, James, and we both agreed we needed to start some shit.

We met up outside of Sic Kidd's Diner, each rolling up in our own style of pimp-ass fuckin' cars. I, of course, had to show off the '69 Camaro I just bought straight from the discount lot for ten G's. James countered my viscious attack by showin' off his brand new BMW Z8. He had that shit custom painted, too. Shit brown with piss-yellow pinstripes. Or "pisstripes," as he like to call them. Sexy stuff there. Take some notes if you have to.

After we meeted and greeted, we dashed into Sic Kidd's for some Livr n 'Nyunz, the diner's world-renowned key dish. Apparently, some babes at the bar noticed us getting out of our cars, and walked over to us to "shake our hands." By "shake our hands" I mean "hit on us and try to get in our pants."

These girls were not your typical sweet, cute girls. These girls wanted dick, and the lust for wang shone in their eyes like nothin' I've seen in the past week. They felt the need to tell us their bra sizes, which didn't particularly disappoint, after which they insisted we follow them to the back alley. They claimed to have something they wanted to show us.

The thing they wanted to show us was, in a word, unexpected. In the back alley was an old, rusty dumpster, overflowing with rotting refuse. The shorter, less slutty (but still very, very slutty) girl bent down and reached behind the dumpster for something. She pulled out a large black duffle bag crawling with vermin and bulging to the point of near-burstage. She unzipped the black bag just as surely as her taller, much sluttier colleague began to unzip her dayglow-orange jumpsuit.

"See this money?" the shorter one asked, grabbing fistfulls of $100 bills from the bulging sack. James and I nodded in unison.

The taller one already had the jumpsuit off, now wearing nothing but a white tee shirt and white cotton panties. "We'll give you half the money on one condition."

"You see, we've been in a maximum-security penitentiary for far too long." The shorter one had begun to unzip her jumpsuit as well. "Ten long years without seeing even one wang. When we saw you studs come along in those hot rides of yours, we both knew you were the ones we wanted."

James and I glanced at each other, then back at the naughty jailbirds. "Wanted for what?" James asked, in his very sexy Guatemal... I mean, Venezuelan accent.

The jumpsuit sluts only laughed. The shorter one zipped the duffel bag back up and slung it over her shoulder. The tall bimbo gestured for us to follow her. We started to follow the girls when the short one tripped on a rock and cut her forehead open.

"Holy shit, dude! I can see the skull bone!" I said as I bend down to inspect the gaping, gushing wound. The tall Amazon bitch wasn't amused. "You dipass! My friend just fell down and got a booboo! You better fuckin' help her up!"

I helped her up and we all continued back to the front of Sic Kidd's. James ran inside to grab something to soak up the blood with as I stayed with our sexy automobiles, keeping the convicts company.

"So you said something about us getting half the money in the bag? Something about not getting enough manmeat in you during your incarceration?" Of course I was super-duper interested in the deal at hand, even if this goddamned whore was getting all her headblood on my bitchin' car.
"Yeah, we want you to do us a little favor though, in addition to the sexual intercourse," the tall one said. The shorter one would have said it, but her head was being drained of life quite quickly.

"What's that?" I inquired.

"We need you to drive us through the fekkin' Canadian border, doodooface! We'll give you plenty of road head on the way out to make it worth your while."

I thought for two seconds about that delicious offer, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted all that money. I mean, what was I gonna do with that much money? Thinking about it made my testicles shrivel up inside my body. "I'll have to consult my good Argentinian... I mean, Venezuelan friend about it when he comes back out."

Sure as shit, as soon as the sound of those words entered the ladies' ear canals, who should exit Sic Kidd's but James himself, carrying two fistfulls of paper napkins. "This is all they had at the counter. Hopefully this'll be enough."

The napkins were applied and the wound instantly healed. The color of blood refilled the penis-hungry inmate's face and a smile lit up the front half of her head. "You saved me! Thank you! Here's a reward for you!"

I was quite pleased to find that 20 Rupees found their way into my Adult's Wallet. "Fuckin' A!" I shouted. "Now I can afford the Hylian Shield and make it to the top of Death Mountain!" That got some interesting glares of concentrated hatred from the crowd standing before me, but I didn't give a shit.

"Oh, yeah, James, these walking vaginas wanted to know if we could drive them to the Canadian border while getting road head the whole way there. They said they'll give us half the green, green dollars from the duffle bag in addition to sexual intercourse. Whaddaya think?"

"I dunno," James replied in his very bold, manly Brazilian... I mean, Venezuelan accent. "That's a lot of money. What would we even spend it on? Just thinking about it is making my testicles do the cha-cha. And not in a good way."

"That's what I said pretty much!" We both turned to the lovely young ladies and said "Sorry but hell no" in unison. Then we got in our delicious vehicles and drove to Canada without the unnecessary burden of nearly unlimited resources.

Then I got on a computer and decided to tell you about it on Blogger.