Homecoming

Great.

Just fuckin' great.

There goes the bus. Dammit, I couldn't have been more than ten seconds too late. Now how am I supposed to get to the homecoming dance? Dad's working late... Mom's out drinking....

Ah! I got it! Maybe Boomer hasn't left yet. He's 16. He has a car. Let's give him a ring.

*Riiiing*

...

*Riiiing*

...

"Hello?"

"Hey, Boomer?"

"Yeah...?"

"Hey, it's me. Dickhead. Have you left for the dance yet?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm already at school. Where are you at? I've been looking for you and can't find you."

"Well, that's the thing. I've pulled a real boner and missed the 5:45 to Satan Street."

"Holy shit, man. You know the dance starts in fifteen minutes, right?"

"Yeah, Boomer, I know. I didn't plan on missing the bus. It's just, you know how tight these new pants I just got are. Musta spent a good twenty minutes getting these shits on."

"I told you those things are too tight for you. *Sigh.* Hold on, let me find my car and I'll go pick you up. I'll be there in, I don't know, ten minutes maybe. God, Fuckwhore is gonna kill me for missing the first song!"

"Geez, Boomer, you're the best. I'll be waiting outside."

"Alright, Dickhead. Seeya in a few."

*Click*

Man, what a guy. Leaving his girl just to pick me up. I oughta buy him a sphere from Sphere Mart later. They always have the crispest spheres in town!

*Sigh.* I'll just have me a seat on the curb. Hell, might as well lie down while I'm at it. I do have ten minutes to spare... Ahh...

...zzzZZZzzz...



SCREEE!

"Hey! Dumbass! Get in the fuckin' car! Let's go!"

"Alright, alright. Geez Louise. Wow, did you just wash this beaut? Lookit that shine!"

"Yeah, I took it down to Wash & Crud on Ass Avenue. Ya like?"

"Fuck yeah! What a spectacle we'll create upon our arrival!"



Almost to the school... I hope Molly-Mung is here tonight. I can't wait until she sees my slick slacks! Ugh... these things are so tight, you can see my penis and testicles bulging through the front. Hope no one notices.

"Time to make our groovy entrance, eh, Dickhead?"

"You said it, Boomer!"

God, my heart is racing. Maybe these pants were a bad idea. Oh, here comes Fuckwhore.

"Oh, Boomer, I missed you so much while you were gone!" *Smooch. Smooch.*

Jesus, get a room. Fuckin' nasty. "Um, hi Fuckwhore."

"Yeah, whatever. C'mon, Boomer, let's go DANCE! Our song is playing!"

Hmm. Furg-o-luscious. That's their song? Musta been Fuckwhore's idea. Poor Boomer. Doesn't he realize the girl he's dating has absolutely no taste and only wants him for his parent's money? "Uh, I guess I'll just sit over here while you two do your thing."

Wow, that girl's cute. Why's she sitting over there by herself? Doesn't she have a date? I'd better go talk to her.

"Um, hi."

...Why's she looking at me like that?

"May I help you?"

"Uh, yeah. My name's Dickhead. I couldn't help but notice you were sitting here all by yourself. Maybe you'd like some company?"

"Fuck no. My boyfriend's just gone to get us something to drink from the slopbowl. Oh, here he comes right now."

Oh shit.

"Shimmer? Who's this scrawny twerp you're talking to?"

"I dunno, just some dumb nerd who thought he'd come over here and hit on me."

"Oh is that right? You want some of my girl's pussy, huh?"

"Um, no, I just..."

"You just were gonna steal her virginity before me, is that it?"

"What?! Come on, man, you're being..."

"I'm being what? Too defensive? Shimmer and I are gonna get married and have lotsa kids and live at Six Flags and never be bored again! And you wanna come in here and threaten our perfect future?!"

Damn, this guy's breath is harsh. What did he eat, a horse shit sandwich? Oh thank God, here comes Boomer.

"Dickhead? Is there a problem?"

"Um, well, this guy..."

"'Dickhead'? Your name's 'Dickhead,' is it? Well I've got news for you, 'Dickhead.' You're about to become nothing more than a worm under my foot."

"Hold on, hold on." Good old Boomer, sticking up for me. "What if--and just hear me out here--what if you, big muscley guy..."

"Jackhammer."

"Okay, Jackhammer. How about if you let my friend here go, and I take you and your girlfriend out for a Liver 'n' Nyunz dinner at Sic Kidd's Diner?"

...

"Sic Kidd's Diner? Why, they have the most delicious meals this side of the River!"

Even Shimmer's eyes are lighting up. "Sic Kidd's Diner has the best selection of liver dinners, and at the best prices in town! And their Supreme Crumbshits are to die for!"

"Well, that settles it then! Let's meet up, say, tomorrow night at seven?"

"Any night's a good night for Sic Kidd's Diner!"

The end.

"Get the fuck out of my way!"

I turned to witness the fattest woman I've ever seen in my life, clutching a greasy chicken leg, galloping in my general direction. I, of course, stood my ground. Why should I get out of her way? If she wasn't so fat, she wouldn't need so many people to move for her.

I wish I HAD moved.

The fatty collided with me, knocking me instantly to the ground. Her beastly mass landed squarely on my chest, breaking five of my ribs. The pain was unsurpassable.

Despite the pain and injured body, my incredible strength granted me the ability to roll her colossal 400-pound body onto the ground next to me. I looked down at myself and noticed that my shirt was masked by a thick layer of blood. Upon further investigation, it became obvious that all five ribs had punctured my skin, leaking pint after pint of crimson blood onto the beige marble floor of the South Bend Police Department.

"Delta Six Sixer, this is Adam Twelve Niner Seventeen. Be advised, we've got a bleeder on the marble floor." A German-looking cop came toward me carrying ten dozen donuts in his arms. As he approached me, he knelt down and advanced with caution. "It's okay, sir. No one's gonna hurt you. We have the most professional professionals on hand for just this kind of situation."

I tried to believe him, but I just couldn't. The way he held those donuts without dropping a single one... it was enough to send me into a crazed state of mind. This, in turn, sent me into a crazed state of being.

I detached one of my shattered ribs, waving it in front of me in desperation. "You'll never take me alive!"

Adam Twelve Niner Seventeen quickly retrogressed into a corner. "Be careful now, boy, we just want to help you..." At this point, about twelve paramedics danced onto the scene with six stretchers, each stretcher being wheeled in my two men. I took this fantastic opportunity to lunge toward a pair-o-paramedics, each foot to a man's throat. I landed handsomely onto the stretcher appointed to these men and glided, not unlike a magnificent falcon, along the marble floor. Adam Twelve Niner Seventeen decided to be an asshole and wedged his nightstick between the marble floor and a wheel of my glorious metal mount. I flew the fuck off and hit my head against the fucking wall GODDAMMIT AAARGGGHHHHH and here I am bleeding on the ground AGAIN ...motherfucker... I'm... dying... *siiiiiiiigghhhhhhhh of deeeaaattthhhhh*

Day at the Office

6:00 A.M.


Showed up at work. Damn, Benny beat me here. But hell, I got the better parking spot!





As soon as I walked in, One-Tooth asked me to do her a favor. "Barlow. Listen. I know you just got here, but I really need you to go back outside, where it's cold, and drive over to the McAdoo Fitness Center. Some junkslut called saying there are two humvees in the parking lot over there, and it'd do you some good to go see which ones they are."





"Look here, One-Tooth. I just got here, and already you expect me to do something for you? I'm not a hard worker, and I'm not gonna pretend to be. So how about you go floss your one tooth and go to Hell?"





One-Tooth bowed before my greatness and apologized sincerely. "Please forgive me! I didn't mean to upset you, I was just..."





"You were just what? Being a dumb idiot? Yeah. You were. But you know what? Your apology has moved me deeply. I suppose I could go out there, into the cold, dark morning air and check on your precious humvees."





"Oh praise you, Barlow! Praise your greatness!"





6:05 A.M.

I got back into my purple Neon, or the "Death Chariot" as I like to call it, and proceeded to drive on over to the McAdoo Fitness Center. Lo and behold, as I turned into the parking lot, I could sense that One-Tooth had made a bad call. Still, I continued to weave my way through the lot, searching for any sign of a dumb boxy truck.

No sign.

What a dumb bitch.

6:10 A.M.

"YOU!"

"Please don't hurt me!" One-Tooth pleaded. "I swear I'll never make another mistake as long as I live!"

"That won't cut it. You knew all along there was no humvee over at the McAdoo Fitness Center. You just wanted to keep me away from the building so I wouldn't catch on to your money laundering scheme!"

"I--I gotta go... I left my electric blanket on and the dorms are probably on fire now..." Her beady little eyes shifted toward the door. "I should probably go check on it..."

"Oh hell no, bitch! You're staying right here until your shift is over, and I'm gonna make sure that during that time, you'll wish you were dead." I grabbed her by her throat and threw her back into her dispatcher's chair.

She looked up at me in dispair. "Y-y-yessir, Mister Barlow."

I left her alone until...