Homecoming

Great.

Just fuckin' great.

There goes the bus. Dammit, I couldn't have been more than ten seconds too late. Now how am I supposed to get to the homecoming dance? Dad's working late... Mom's out drinking....

Ah! I got it! Maybe Boomer hasn't left yet. He's 16. He has a car. Let's give him a ring.

*Riiiing*

...

*Riiiing*

...

"Hello?"

"Hey, Boomer?"

"Yeah...?"

"Hey, it's me. Dickhead. Have you left for the dance yet?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm already at school. Where are you at? I've been looking for you and can't find you."

"Well, that's the thing. I've pulled a real boner and missed the 5:45 to Satan Street."

"Holy shit, man. You know the dance starts in fifteen minutes, right?"

"Yeah, Boomer, I know. I didn't plan on missing the bus. It's just, you know how tight these new pants I just got are. Musta spent a good twenty minutes getting these shits on."

"I told you those things are too tight for you. *Sigh.* Hold on, let me find my car and I'll go pick you up. I'll be there in, I don't know, ten minutes maybe. God, Fuckwhore is gonna kill me for missing the first song!"

"Geez, Boomer, you're the best. I'll be waiting outside."

"Alright, Dickhead. Seeya in a few."

*Click*

Man, what a guy. Leaving his girl just to pick me up. I oughta buy him a sphere from Sphere Mart later. They always have the crispest spheres in town!

*Sigh.* I'll just have me a seat on the curb. Hell, might as well lie down while I'm at it. I do have ten minutes to spare... Ahh...

...zzzZZZzzz...



SCREEE!

"Hey! Dumbass! Get in the fuckin' car! Let's go!"

"Alright, alright. Geez Louise. Wow, did you just wash this beaut? Lookit that shine!"

"Yeah, I took it down to Wash & Crud on Ass Avenue. Ya like?"

"Fuck yeah! What a spectacle we'll create upon our arrival!"



Almost to the school... I hope Molly-Mung is here tonight. I can't wait until she sees my slick slacks! Ugh... these things are so tight, you can see my penis and testicles bulging through the front. Hope no one notices.

"Time to make our groovy entrance, eh, Dickhead?"

"You said it, Boomer!"

God, my heart is racing. Maybe these pants were a bad idea. Oh, here comes Fuckwhore.

"Oh, Boomer, I missed you so much while you were gone!" *Smooch. Smooch.*

Jesus, get a room. Fuckin' nasty. "Um, hi Fuckwhore."

"Yeah, whatever. C'mon, Boomer, let's go DANCE! Our song is playing!"

Hmm. Furg-o-luscious. That's their song? Musta been Fuckwhore's idea. Poor Boomer. Doesn't he realize the girl he's dating has absolutely no taste and only wants him for his parent's money? "Uh, I guess I'll just sit over here while you two do your thing."

Wow, that girl's cute. Why's she sitting over there by herself? Doesn't she have a date? I'd better go talk to her.

"Um, hi."

...Why's she looking at me like that?

"May I help you?"

"Uh, yeah. My name's Dickhead. I couldn't help but notice you were sitting here all by yourself. Maybe you'd like some company?"

"Fuck no. My boyfriend's just gone to get us something to drink from the slopbowl. Oh, here he comes right now."

Oh shit.

"Shimmer? Who's this scrawny twerp you're talking to?"

"I dunno, just some dumb nerd who thought he'd come over here and hit on me."

"Oh is that right? You want some of my girl's pussy, huh?"

"Um, no, I just..."

"You just were gonna steal her virginity before me, is that it?"

"What?! Come on, man, you're being..."

"I'm being what? Too defensive? Shimmer and I are gonna get married and have lotsa kids and live at Six Flags and never be bored again! And you wanna come in here and threaten our perfect future?!"

Damn, this guy's breath is harsh. What did he eat, a horse shit sandwich? Oh thank God, here comes Boomer.

"Dickhead? Is there a problem?"

"Um, well, this guy..."

"'Dickhead'? Your name's 'Dickhead,' is it? Well I've got news for you, 'Dickhead.' You're about to become nothing more than a worm under my foot."

"Hold on, hold on." Good old Boomer, sticking up for me. "What if--and just hear me out here--what if you, big muscley guy..."

"Jackhammer."

"Okay, Jackhammer. How about if you let my friend here go, and I take you and your girlfriend out for a Liver 'n' Nyunz dinner at Sic Kidd's Diner?"

...

"Sic Kidd's Diner? Why, they have the most delicious meals this side of the River!"

Even Shimmer's eyes are lighting up. "Sic Kidd's Diner has the best selection of liver dinners, and at the best prices in town! And their Supreme Crumbshits are to die for!"

"Well, that settles it then! Let's meet up, say, tomorrow night at seven?"

"Any night's a good night for Sic Kidd's Diner!"

The end.